Easter Sunday Paralysis
On Good Friday, I stared at the Punakaiki Rocks on the West Coast of New Zealand. We walked with our tour guide and tried to match his banter - there was no one else in our group - just me and my husband. He was a fun guy giving us his public holiday. He clearly loved his job, but I’m street-wise enough to know that he was there out of a need to feed his family.
I get it. We live on one income and don’t see any sustainable way to supplement these years financially. We struggle to feed our family each week and put petrol in the car. Sometimes you gotta knuckle down and suck it up.
I also just sat on an incredible (read expensive) train across the country and witnessed the beauty of creation. I was so grateful to have a moment to step back from the intensity of our life, so blessed, to be staring at something so ancient, magnificent and intriguing with my life partner. But I was also aware that I perhaps reeked of privilege just because I was able to get there. Managing people’s perceptions is exhausting and often in vain.
These rocks have been formed over millions of years. Layers upon layers have gone down and formed throughout the ‘rock bottom’ moments of mankind. The themes of humans desiring fame and power have repeated en masse. These rocks have weathered it all. They remained and reshaped with the battering of wind and waves. They know there is nothing new under the sun.
I stared at the ancient layers and was struck by my insignificance in the scheme of things. My ADHD often finds me overwhelmed. Things, conversations and people often feel more urgent than they are, and my spirit calls me to action. But at my 42 years, I am but a spec on this earth - one of those tiny pebbles on the beach. In 4 generations’ time, will my descendants know who I was? Probably not. They will be able to catch a glimpse because I left a note on Substack.
And I know Christians who declare the time is near!!! Mankind won’t exist in 4 generations! Jesus is coming back soon! We live in the end times! But I stare at those rocks and wonder. People have been saying that for a while. Lord, I’m tired.
This was not my first walk through Good Friday. My significance also struck me. I am the mother of 4 children, hugely dependent on me. The logistics and support required to go away are ridiculous. And someone considered me enough to die for. I’m not insignificant at all.
How deep the Father’s love for us.
How vast beyond all measure.
That He should give His only son.
To make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss.
The Father turns His face away.
With wounds that mar the Chosen One.
Bring many sons to glory.
What’s an adequate response to the realisation of the Father’s love for us? Is it acceptable to sit on a luxury return train contemplating it all?
It’s remarkable to sit with the knowledge that there is nothing new under the sun. Sitting in truth is enough. The light shines in darkness, and the darkness will not overcome it! But I can’t sit. I have ADHD, and for the most part, it’s a blessing. My paralysis and overwhelm do not last long. My strengths force me to action and compel me to worship, even if all I have the capacity to do is worship from the back. And that is enough.
Why should I boast in anything?
No gifts, no power or wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ,
His death and resurrection.
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart,
His wounds have paid my ransom.
But this I know with all my heart. His wounds have paid my ransom.