Embracing radical decisions.
And getting back to embracing.
This morning, I ran. Snow on the distant mountains, cold wind blasting my cheeks and the goodness of Michael Jackson pumping into my ears. That is until at halfway when the battery in my headphones died, and I was left alone with my complicated thoughts and a long run home. It’s the first day of school holidays and I find myself exhaling. It’s been an intense year.
I began 2025 with the word ‘embrace’. I wrote about it here. I’ve tried to embrace. Hold it all. Lean into some of it. Sometimes advocate with a bit of push and truth. Sometimes speak or write with grace. Sometimes listen or read. But these days, my embracing often leads me to feelings of overwhelm and anxiety.
Running led me back to my journal with a list of all that brings me to overwhelm: (heads up, my mind is pretty intense!)
Reflecting on 39 years of living with the unjust death of my dad.
Enjoying all the benefits of homeschooling with a neurodiverse kid that wants to be in mainstream school. I can’t see the future on this at all.
Constantly navigating the addiction of phones, tv, internet and gaming with all of my children.
Church leadership with blind spots that stop people from being who God called them to be in those spaces.
Seeing a society that claims to desire diversity but simultaneously observing people aligning themselves with people just like them - opinions just like theirs.
There is good reason for all of these things featuring in my mind. What makes it harder is constantly tapping into everyone’s knee jerk reactions to headlines of the day, the latest shooting, another church leader being the opposite of Jesus, another protest, another homeschooling parent declaring their way is the best way. Social media full stop.
My first ever Substack disclosed that most of my best decisions are fast impulsive decisions. Earlier this week, I worked out that I’ve been embracing all the wrong stuff and I did something radical. I told my best friend at the other end of the country. She gasped - then took the leap with me. I didn’t tell anyone what we did. However, I did think:
“This will bite me. But it’s going to be worth it.”
A bit of context:
I’m really good at admin. I’ve got my finger on the pulse of life with my oversized diary. If there’s a schedule change or clash - I’ll know it. I find calm in knowing I’ve got a plan, but I also have a pretty good ability to pivot when change comes (and quickly whip up a new plan.) A new mum friend in my daughter’s basketball team has observed this in me and adopted me as her ‘admin go to’ when she needs a fast update. It’s special when someone finds value in my intensity!
Check out my new jersey that says “Ohh... This calls for a spreadsheet.” Yes, it’s a Christmas jersey and yes, I’m wearing it in September because yes, I’ve had an excel spreadsheet for December 2025 since January 2025. We got goals. I do admin. This jersey is me in a nutshell.
This admin strength (read obsession) also means I’m really close to my phone. If a message comes in, despite my phone being on silent, it won’t take me long to grab it, sort it, and send something back to cyber space. While I’m there of course I’ll automatically see if there’s any new emails, click on Facebook for any notifications, and when I see a message come back (because I haven’t left), around the circle I will go again! All while trying to embrace something. What am I trying to embrace again? I can’t sift through it all fast enough to work it out anymore.
My mind just can’t stop embracing what’s right in front of me.
And somehow, I realised what the problem was. I think I saw it in my children first as they stared into scrolling, then looked at the man in the mirror. (Thanks Michael.) Simmering under the surface I’ve known for a while. But this week, I decided I’ve had enough. So, I leapt and whispered ‘no regrets’.
It took a few days for the bite to emerge. I was standing in a basketball parents meeting and it became apparent that my finger was no longer on the pulse. I’d missed an important spreadsheet on Bookface. My new friend turned her head to me perplexed. What on earth was wrong was wrong with her ‘admin go to’?!! I burst out laughing “I DELETED FACEBOOK!” It was a conversation stopper.
Yes, I deleted Facebook, and no regrets might I add. I found the basketball spreadsheet eventually because they sent it to me another way. I am committed to logging into Bookface from the computer no more than once a day, but I’ve missed it so little, I haven’t even bothered doing that. The quick click access off my phone is gone and my mind has been better for it since. I don’t miss the constant noise; algorithms deciding what I need, peoples polarizing opinions. I check a message on my phone and walk away from it. Boom!
I began writing on Substack because it felt closer to what I was reaching for on Facebook but no longer getting - true conversation. You can still find me here, or on email. Better yet, I’ll be in the Four Square embracing the hand of my homeschooler.
You’ll find me surrendering the overwhelm and present in the moment.
I’m heading back to my word for the year embrace and what I intended to embrace:
Embracing the reason why I’m busy.
Embracing the Word.
Embracing the constant people around me.
Embracing stillness.
Embracing celebration.
Embracing the consistent mundane.
Embracing worship.