Parenting and being parented
I believe in you. You got this!
I’ve been on this parenting journey for a while now. My eldest is now 15 which is a bit wild to contemplate. In one sense it feels like we stepped in a time machine and arrived here. But I know there have been days, weeks and months that felt like we were crawling.
The days are long, the years are fast.
Someone told me that at the start. It’s true. Occasionally, I’m smart enough to realise that there are people that have walked this journey before me and reach for their wisdom. My second child at age 2 was waking six times a night, and I was breastfeeding her back to sleep every time in absolute desperation. I was exhausted and walking into a pit of burn out. I rolled up to a workshop at the Parenting Place - hoping someone could help me get my not-so ‘baby’ to sleep and break this spiral I was sitting in. It’s an amazing facility, bursting with resources. I think my mum had the kids and I was there solo with time to browse. For some reason I also purchased a book to read that would help me become a better mum.
I am terrible at reading non-fiction books. It takes too long for this activator to get through all the pages. Some people love learning. Not me. I activate and learn as part of the process. This way of living can get pretty messy but I’m coming to learn - that’s just how I roll! When I buy a non-fiction book, despite my best intentions, I won’t finish reading it. Give me the summary and I’ll run with that.
But back in the day when I purchased ‘Growing Great Boys1’, there wasn’t a million book reviews available on the internet to give me the summary when I ran out of reading steam. I took the gold out of the first few chapters and have run with it for the last 12 years. This was it……empower your boys with the phrase:
“I believe in you. You got this.” (Ian Grant)
This book I never finished reading has sat on my bookshelf ever since. Not many books have survived all of our house moves but that one has. The first few chapters were gold and that line alone has boosted my parenting toolbox astronomically. When you say it to your kid, you see them soak it in. ‘Mum believes in me so I can believe in myself.’ I went to reach for the book this morning and realised I can’t give you the exact quote from it because it’s packed in a box. We’re anticipating moving house again and it’s coming too. Our clearing out to the op-shop is ruthless but the unread book has survived!
In my last Substack I briefly shared that my husband and I have come to the decision to resign our membership from the church we have felt a sense of home in. ‘Membership’ - it sounds official. You’re allowed to turn up if you’re not a member. Membership is not even a thing in some church denominations. I’ve been in another church where it’s referred to as ‘partnership’. It’s not so much a contract, but an aligning. It’s a statement to that group of believers that ‘I’m on your team’. I felt joy the day we became members at Calvin Presbytarian Church in Gore - we had finally found a physical - tangible - spiritual home at this end of the country. I felt a deep grief and peace the day we emailed the elders to tap out. I knew from the day I found myself bear hunting that we had God’s blessing to walk away if we wanted to. I tried to persevere - clinging to that sense of home that we had held. But the pain was too deep. And God blessed us with peace.
Grief is a funny thing. You go through the cycle of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance over and over again. What’s wild is that in this grief cycle, I’m simultaneously experiencing new sense of home. We don’t currently have a physical church group that we align with however there is an abundance of Christians near and far who we are loving connecting with. It feels I’ve arrived smack bang in the heart of God. I sense His presence in the mundane like never before and feel him equipping me in the moments I have nothing more to bring.
It’s like all my prayers have been answered. And that’s wild.
For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
Five weeks ago, our family went to Christchurch for what we thought was just a weekend with friends. My husband, my big kids and I all felt it: God clearly said, ‘this way’. This doesn’t feel anything like when we last moved cities. In 2000 we had a job and house offered to us and it felt like a door was open. It was our choice to walk through it or politely say “thanks but no thanks.” I have probably said “God called us to Tapanui.” Honestly, I’m not sure. I don’t doubt He used us here. I was definitely refined here. He gave us an incredible community and backdrop to parent four spirited kids in. He has graciously walked with us.
But this? This is a new thing that I’ve never experienced before. We have a location but no house, no job. We have a sense of call and there is a church community that we are feeling drawn to. We’ve spent a month hustling to get our sale ready and this week could be the point of no return. We’re going on the market. This is reckless and wild for the old me. But this new me? I feel peace.
I also feel exhausted. Life hasn’t stopped. The family still needs to be fed and Uber-ed around. I’m still homeschooling a kid, on the PTA and managing a miniball team. All while smashing through this insane list of house maintenance and looking for moving boxes. I was standing outside in a moment of respite, watering the garden and God spoke into my spirit “If you just stop trying, you’ll see clearly….. I’ve got this.”
Stop trying? It’s not quite the same as lying down and doing nothing. But it is surrendering the worry of all the unknowns and sitting in this intense trust. I find myself being parented like never before. I find myself saying
I believe in You! You, God, have got this.
When I unpack that book, I’m going to have another go at reading it. Until then, I will hold onto His word; Isaiah 43, and the promise of the God who redeems!
